Need some feedback/ideas

[Julie H]

Hiya guys,

am after some help here with something.
Some of you might remember that about a year and a half ago our home was broken into. What made it so much more worse was that it occured while we were home and asleep.

Anyways, apparantly they've apprehended the person responsible - turns out it was a juvenile who was sixteen at the time - he was working with some adults and they'd break in and steal items to sell quickly for cash for alcohol. When it went to court the judge decided against sentencing and decided to refer the juvenile to a Youth Justice Conference. This is where the juvenile, an officer, and the victims come together to 'conference about the crime' and decide upon punishment.
So I had someone come and talk to me today about my rights with attending and saying my peice. They've asked me that should I attend to bring along an idea of what I would like in return from the victim that would go towards helping my family to 'recover' from the ordeal. There will be two other victims in attendance as well as apparantly this juvenile committed other offences besides our own home.

So I need some help guys - if this was you, what do you feel would help you feel vindicated in response to the crime?

Personally for me, I want nothing. I don't believe there is anything this person can do that would prove to me that they just made a 'mistake'. NO! This person made a conscious decision that impacted far greater than they believed it would, they took away something that cannot be replaced in my opinion. In fact I would go as far as to say that the only thing that would help me 'get over it' would be to let me have a few good kicks at this kids backside.

But the one person that isn't over it is Maddy. It's been almost a year and a half and she still can't sleep at night without a lamp, or without sneaking into my bed through the night if steven's doing night shift. She walks around the house before bed double checking that every window is closed and locked. She no longer walks through the house at night to go to the toilet and will wake me instead - the break in really shook her up and I can't see any sign of her easing up soon.

These are some of the things that we as the victims have the right to ask for in the conference agreement:

- a formal apology
- act in a way which will help the victim to feel more safe and secure
- replace or pay for hte damage or loss of property
- accept other support which will help prevent further offences
- perform voluntary work or services for the victim or for a community organisation of the victims choice.

So now I'm not sure what kind of ideas to take along with me. I wasn't going to go but I think I will so I can put a face to this person if that makes sense. I need to be able to come home and tell Maddy not to be scared anymore as it was just a kid that did something stupid and now they have to make up for it.
I'm thinking of maybe requesting the juvenile to write a letter to Maddy. To explain why they did it and that it could of been any home at the time, not hers in specific, I would also request that along with an explanation an apology should be given to her as well. I believe that maybe this might help Maddy in understanding a bit better.

I like the idea of community service but not sure what angle to take with it.

any ideas on what to request?

[phatassphairy]

geeez what a tough thing to have to go through ...........i think i would want to go see him ..and to know who it was .....so when i passed them in the street i would know ....but as for trying to find an equal to balance it out....there is not much ...but i think maybe the letter might help maddy ...poor darlin ...

but no real helpful ideas ...good luck with all jules

[digi_gal]

Hmmm.... Not quite sure what take to deal with this one either Julie. I think it is a good idea of yours for an apology letter be written to Maddy that might further her understanding and maybe help give her some kind of better understanding and maybe even a little closure. It just isn't one of those types of events that you can simply block out and forget. I know after my sister and her husband came home to find a burgler hurridely trying to escape from their house one night that they never felt 100% comfortable in their home and actually ended up selling up and moving. You just don't know how different encounters are going to effect people and what sort of long term effect they will have.

As you say nothing can change what happened but it will be interesting for you to be able to attend the meeting and to sense what kind of response you get from the offender as to how sorry they genuinely are. Some are always genuiely sorry for the past and you know that they will have been given a steep learning curve and not likely to every reoffend after the trouble they have caused and others you know that no matter what punishment you are going to give them they will just shrug if off as meaning nothing.

Sorry not much help for you in answering your dilema I know.

[admin]

gee I dont know.... Id want to rip the little turds head off...
Maybe having him work with a child victims area or childrens hospital trauma centre... might wake him up a bit, considering he has put the fear in a childs life....
Maybe compensation in the form of a security item of Maddys choice weather its security screens, an alarm or even a big black hungry dog :D but i think he needs to know he has effected a childs life,

sorry I couldnt help much but I think if your concerns are about Maddy and her safety, then i would definetely work on that angle

[j@zzii]

i'm really sorry that maddy has suffered from the break in :(
i think the letter idea is a good idea.

as for community service, can he be sent to a nursing home? could he learn about respect for people? or a facilty where there are intellectually and severely disabled people - people who would require his attention 100% of the time. dont want his community service to be a waste of time.

[Lyndall]

Have you thought about consulting a child psychologist in regards for Maddy feeling secure again. They may also help with an idea that this kid could do that will help Maddy out.

If Maddy is up to it can she write a letter stating how his actions has affected her that he needs to read out into court.

Good on the courts for doing this type of thing. Much better for these kids to have to face up to their victims. Far better than sending them off to gaol where they just learn more illegal activities from long time criminal types. Hopefully this kid will have a much better chance at rehabilitation and not violate anymore peoples sense of security.

[angie]

I am not sure ripping heads off or kicking butts would do much long term, apart from maybe making you feel better for a nano second.

I have no clear answers here. Maddy is obviously the one who by defintion here is "the victim", not that I am keen on that term either, I can't abide labeling or boxing. I think humans are excellent at labelling themselves and claiming an identity, not sure why. A classic example is when someone says "you look tired", classic response is "yes I am", classic conditioning is "you then feel tired" even though this is not true. You've claimed the identity of being a tried.

Sorry I digress, back to the issue at hand

We all make concious decisions, however it has been sceintifically proven, not just hearsay or urban myth, than adolescents, both boys and girls, do not have full comprehension of "cause" and "effect". A very good SBS program is on at the moment about the adolescent brain and it is fascinating.

Now saying this I am not excusing this boy's behaviour, not at all. For every action there are consequences and now this boy is having to face up to the consequences of making the wrong concious decision.

I wonder if you are still angry because of Maddy? my guess and its not rocket science would be yes. If this is the case then perhaps expressing to this boy the effect that by making the decision he did, for whatever reasons he thought was plausable at the time (and seriously I would not want to know) his actions has had this effect on your daughter. Spell it out just like you have to us. Then ask him, "What do you think you should now do to help make my daughter feel safe again?"

If you impose the letter writing upon him, he may just pay lip service and do it without fully understanding the "cause and effect" of his actions.

If you can and I am not sure I could do this myself, however try really hard to (as Geoff says when I am emotional "Just the facts ma'am, just the facts"), this will be much more powerful and will give the power back to you and away from him.

Good luck my dear friend with whatever you decide to do and at the end of the day, whatever decision you make will be the right one

Ange

[Julie H]

Thanks guys for your replies - you have given me quite a few things to think about and bring to the meeting with me.

Lyndall - I like the idea of having Maddy write down her thoughts and feelings - the only thing that would make me hesitate would be 'would it be re-opening a wound for her?' Though to be honest if this is her nightly behaviour then obviously it really hasn't healed just yet so I might sit and speak with her over the weekend and see if she'd feel up to writing down her thoughts. The school chaplain has spoken informally with her at school and when she spoke to me told me not to make an issue of the nightly rituals as this is Maddy's way of making herself feel safer and so I left it at that..... but that was last year so I'm not sure how long she thought it would go on for.

I also like the idea of community service working with people that would be totally dependant on them. I think this person needs to identify and understand the importance of being responsible for someone, for having their trust and faith in this person taking care of them, learning some respect as Maria said.

Ange you were spot on about the reason for the anger being based on the impact to Maddy. As I said, I was over it had dealt with it and the robbery itself no longer played any thought in my mind until was contacted by the conference people. But the moment I spoke to him about Maddy my back went up and the fire gets lit .... I can't help it .... it is part of my duty as a parent to protect my children and this turd broke my childs faith in her parents to do that.... and that is where the anger flares from I believe.... and then to see maddy do her rounds or switch on a nightlight she'd never ever used before it just reminds me of that broken faith... and now that I have the opportunity to 'share' that with the person responsible I can't help but want to share the real extent of my anger.

Shite - I hope I'm making sense here coz I know I'm starting to ramble and confuse things. I don't know - I have so many mixed emotions now after finding out about the conference ... to be honest I dont know if I should even go as I truly don't feel it would be beneficial really in the long run. I have so much to deal with on a daily basis that truth be told I really couldn't care less about this person and the ability to reabilitate them .... and yes I cringe at how callous thats sounds and if one of my children said that then I would 'no, thats the wrong attitude kiddo we should all try to help out in a little way'. But right now at this moment thats how I feel - hopefully it's just the shock of it being brought up again after so long .... it's being scheduled for a couple of weeks time so maybe a little bit of cool headedness will return by then.

[angie]

Julie

I neither think nor believe that you have failed in your role of parent. If you switched off the night light and berated Maddy for her ritual, then perhaps yes..... however you haven't so try not to be so hard on yourself, hmmm its not healthy for you!!

there is no harm in being angry, its when the anger drives the given response and what I mean by this is, you have every right to tell this boy about how angry you are at his actions and what his actions have done to Maddy and your well being. If you are angry when you talk to this boy that is where, I think, the danger will lie.

I don't think you are over the break in and a good step to recovery would be to recognise this, which by your reply I think you have started to do so. You don't sound callous, just angry.

Talking at a society level and not from a personal level, if this boy was not given the chance to rehabilitate he would be sent to an institution where he would be with hardened criminals and then what would that prove or indeed solve. Some people may say "so what" or "serves him right", do we not then fall into this mind set of and eye for an eye mentality where in the end it neither solves or proves anything except to satisfy our need for vengence and retribution. A need that is perputaded by the media........ Not a good way for a society to behave. Let this boy have his chance to make amends, if he does not learn from this opportunity then the next course, what ever that may be, of action will need to be taken.

Ange

[Lyndall]

Julie you just do what is right for you and your family. If the conference will help you/Maddy then go for it. But if you think it will be no help for you and your family you have no obligation to help 'rehabilitate' this kid. It is about you and your family not about him.

[admin]

well said Lyndall, couldnt have said it better myself