Joke [Archive] - Scrapbook Capital Forums

nmpomeroy

05-11-2007, 02:14 AM

another joke

Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . .

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!

Have a nice day!

Lali

05-11-2007, 03:05 AM

Very good Nic :D

phatassphairy

05-11-2007, 11:49 AM

pmsl ..good one ....nic ...

phatassphairy

08-11-2007, 10:48 PM

This is a bit sick .....lol

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

ewwwwwww.....

Lali

09-11-2007, 02:03 AM

Eeewwwww :d

nmpomeroy

09-11-2007, 06:28 AM

hehehehehe

have heard that one before

nmpomeroy

09-11-2007, 06:29 AM

some good truths

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6 WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
7. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
(because if they all went, it would be Hell.)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart......
Then you are just an old sour fart.

admin

09-11-2007, 12:59 PM

very funny girls.... love the peanut one Sammi

Lali

09-11-2007, 10:39 PM

Read this before Nic but still get a laugh out of it :D

angiepangie

19-11-2007, 01:33 PM

lol thats a good one

angiepangie

19-11-2007, 01:34 PM

How about this one patty's exam

Here’s Paddy an Irishman who sat for the exam to become a doctor at the Dublin school of medicine. Here’s his exam paper, out of fifth questions paddy could only answer 34
1. Artery:- The study of painting
2. Bacteria:- Back door to the cafeteria
3. Barium:- with doctors mistake
4. Bowel:- a letter like AEIOU
5. Caesarean section:- A district in Rome
6. Cat scan:- searching for kitty
7. Cauterise:- made eye contact with her
8. Coma:- punctuation mark
9. Congenital:- friendly
10. Dilate:- To live long
11. Emend:- Not a friend
12. Genital:- Not Jewish
13. High Colonic:- Jewish holiday
14. Impotent:- important and well known
15. Labour pains:- getting hurt at work
16. Medical staff:- A doctors walking stick
17. Morbid:- Make another bid
18. Nitrate:- much cheaper then day rate
19. Out patient:- person who has fainted
20. Pap smear:- Fatherhood test
21. Pelvis:- Cousin of Elvis
22. Post operative:- letter delivery man
23. Recovery room:- place to do upholstery
24. Rectum:- dam near killed him
25. Rheumatic:- thinking of love
26. Secretion:- hiding something
27. Seizure:- Mark Anthony’s friend
28. Tablet:- small table
29. Terminal illness:- getting sick at airport
30. Tumour:- more than one
31. Urine:- opposite of you’re out
32. Varicose:- very very close
33. Vein:- concealed
34. Benign: - after you be 8 years old.

phatassphairy

19-11-2007, 08:15 PM

Pmsl .....there Are Some Funny Ones There

nmpomeroy

19-11-2007, 10:27 PM

that's pretty good

nmpomeroy

21-11-2007, 08:59 PM

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet
paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring
and good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is
every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Lali

21-11-2007, 09:57 PM

Good one Nic:D

admin

25-11-2007, 07:21 AM

here's 1 Jacqui sent me...

THE AUSSIE DOBBER
"Hello, is this the police?"

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Wazza. He hides cocaine inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir. We'll investigate right away" The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave. Then the phone rings at Wazza's house."Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?""Yeah!""Did they chop up your firewood?""Yep.""Happy Birthday, maaaaate !!!"

Lali

25-11-2007, 08:06 AM

Good one :D

admin

25-11-2007, 08:06 AM

heres another 1 for ya...

CHINESE PROVERBS*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket fell cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man givewife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to buil crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

admin

30-11-2007, 12:27 PM

This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little
jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?
The little girl replied... "I will if those useless c**ts at Bunning's ever bring us the f**king gyprock."

digi_gal

30-11-2007, 01:23 PM

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of
her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then,
he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand
over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing
then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the
same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a
little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to
his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

Lali

30-11-2007, 10:03 PM

Very funny girls:D

admin

05-12-2007, 10:00 AM

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for some Rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, Explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum Deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she Has been buying the stuff from drug stores on a Regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry', says the pharmacist, 'we don't have Any'

'But I always buy it at drug stores,' says the Blonde.

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks The pharmacist...

'YES', said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it..' She returns with the container and hands it to the Pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and Reads out loud from the container...

'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'

Lali

05-12-2007, 10:24 AM

Very good:D

Julie H

05-12-2007, 12:37 PM

LOL - too funny Lorrie.

nmpomeroy

06-12-2007, 04:41 AM

PMSL Love it

admin

12-12-2007, 02:37 AM

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
@ PRISON you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORKyou spend the majority of your time in an 6X6cubicle /office
@ PRISONyou get three meals a day fully paid for
@ WORK you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
@ PRISONyou get time off for good behavior
@ WORKyou get more work for good behavior
@ PRISONthe guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORKyou must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself
@ PRISON you can watch TV and play games
@ WORKyou could get fired for watching TV and playing games
@ PRISONyou get your own toilet
@ WORKyou have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat
@ PRISONthey allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORKyou aren't even supposed to speak to your family@ PRISONall expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
@ WORKyou get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
@ PRISONyou spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
@ PRISONyou must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORKthey are called managers
THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!
Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails

Lali

12-12-2007, 03:32 AM

Very funny and scary LOL

digi_gal

14-12-2007, 04:30 AM

Last Minute Christmas Gift

It was Christmas Eve and Ron had still not bought anything for his
wife for Christmas. So, on his way home, he stopped at that famous
department store, Macy's.

I'll just get her some nice perfume, he thought, as he entered the
store. Walking up to the perfume counter, Ron said, "I'm looking
for a nice perfume for my wife for Christmas."

The cosmetics clerk said, "Certainly, we have several very fine
perfumes." And she proceeded to show him a bottle of "Elegance",
$75 an ounce.

"That's a bit out of my price range," Ron said.

The clerk returned a moment later with another perfume, "Leave
Him Wondering", for only $35 an ounce.

"That's still quite a lot," he grumbled.

So the clerk brought out a bottle of "Smells Like Heaven", only $20
an ounce.

At this, Ron grew a bit angry. "Geez," he exclaimed, "Can't you
show me something real cheap?"

In response, the clerk handed him a mirror.

Lali

14-12-2007, 05:50 AM

Oh that is great :D

digi_gal

22-12-2007, 08:14 AM

Your Driver's License Tells It All.....

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex." lol

Julie H

22-12-2007, 01:54 PM

LOL - thats a good one Shaz - too funny!!

admin

23-12-2007, 07:50 AM

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the. ..?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

admin

23-12-2007, 08:14 AM

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several traffic lights in Sydney.

Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of Money to spend.

Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day.

Ahmed says; ' Look at your sign, it says, I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.'

'Aussies who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family whether they give you money or not!'
'Now look at my sign!'

So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads;

'I only need another $10 to move back to Lebanon!

admin

26-12-2007, 01:08 PM

What dating was like in 1957?It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yes," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Pe! ggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: " Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The Twist!!

digi_gal

29-12-2007, 11:47 PM

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You
can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white
T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car
mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have
to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too
icky. You don't have to stop and think of whic h way to turn a nut on
a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress
$500 0. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open
all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes
-- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your
legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have
freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Lali

29-12-2007, 11:53 PM

How true is all of that

admin

02-01-2008, 11:52 PM

warning**** this is a bit naughty....:eek::D:p

FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a good year.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.
But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
AND:
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

phatassphairy

03-01-2008, 01:24 AM

pmsl .........love them .....he he he

Lali

03-01-2008, 01:25 AM

I just read them on the email and had a good laugh:D

phatassphairy

11-01-2008, 07:21 AM

NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN!!

A man called home to his wife and said, 'Honey I

have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his

Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to

get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough

Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From

the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up' 'Oh! Please

pack my new blue silk pajamas.' The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy

but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The

following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking

good.The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?He said,

'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't

you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?' You'll love

the answer... . .

The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your fishing box.....'

admin

11-01-2008, 08:28 AM

nice one

admin

17-01-2008, 02:54 AM

For the Football fansA little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a
hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...""Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning! " "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?""Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the
bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy
through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it cool "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

admin

17-01-2008, 02:55 AM

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

admin

17-01-2008, 02:56 AM

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Nancy.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Nancy staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Nancy said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

admin

17-01-2008, 02:56 AM

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went though the standard training, completed the practice
jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take
his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and
the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a
dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one
at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the
last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too
scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my
ass."

"So, did y ou jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed
onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the
Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-
foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna
jump or not?' "
I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'"

"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis
out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a
baseball bat! "He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or
I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first..."

Lali

17-01-2008, 04:08 AM

Very funny :D

Tish

17-01-2008, 06:07 AM

Pmsl!! :d

admin

26-01-2008, 05:24 AM

Heres 1 Lali sent to me...

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give o ver 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."

digi_gal

13-02-2008, 10:29 AM

WEDDING CEREMONY

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her
father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed some thing in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the
bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him
to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced 'Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my
life.'

Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and
continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.'

The whole audience including priest started laughing....

But not the poor groom!

digi_gal

13-02-2008, 10:30 AM

MARY MARGARET

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic
School .Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was
sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and
Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again
said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after
she
had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that
thing
in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

admin

13-02-2008, 12:17 PM

giggle giggle giggle... like that last one.... very good indeed

Lali

14-02-2008, 01:37 AM

That last one is a beauty :D

admin

22-03-2008, 01:57 AM

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seenin his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

admin

22-03-2008, 01:59 AM

MORNING SEXShe was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said,You've got to make love to me this very moment." His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day," rand then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.Afterwards she said,"Thanks,"and returned to the stove.More than a little puzzled, he asked,"What was that all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer's broken."

admin

22-03-2008, 02:23 AM

There were two gay guys living together. One of them lacked chest hairand it seemed to become a real problem for him.So, one day he decidedto visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there wasanything he could do about it.

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and reallythe only thing he could do to try and stimulate hair growth was tosmother Vaseline all over his chest daily.The guy was elated. He wenthome and immediately smothered his chest in Vaseline.

When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt theVaseline and asked, 'What in the hell are you doing?'
'The doctor said if I put Vaseline on my chest I might be able to growsome hair'
'You idiot,' said his partner, 'Think about it. If that were trueyou'd have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now'!!!!!

Julie H

22-03-2008, 07:58 AM

hahahaha - too funny Lorrie, that second one totally had me cracking up!!

nmpomeroy

22-03-2008, 08:02 AM

Funny, I love all of them. Have this really good joke but it's not written down I'll have to see if there is a way I can post it.

Julie H

22-03-2008, 08:11 AM

LOL - I just read the second one to hubby and he didnt' get it ......... told him he should start to cook eggs more often then to see why it's funny :D

nmpomeroy

25-03-2008, 05:43 AM

Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the eagle
waited at the nest for Mary his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her.
She had been shot. Dead!
Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided
that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady
eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was OK but all the dove would say is
"I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!"
Well, this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest
and flew off once more to find a mate.
He found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.
Again the sex was great but all the loon would say is,
"I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!"
So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
Again the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
well,

you know.....

No, the duck didn't say THAT!!!!! That's an awful thing to think!
Get your mind out of the gutter
Shame on you!!!!!!!!

The duck said, "I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE !!!!!!

Lali

25-03-2008, 06:46 AM

That is a classic Nic :D

admin

25-03-2008, 07:27 AM

great joke Nic:D

nmpomeroy

26-03-2008, 05:26 AM

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small
house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man
with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up
for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to
the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed
alone.

But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her
room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so
the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room,
exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder
up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped
out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a
large sign on the ground that read:

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

admin

26-03-2008, 11:57 AM

Hah ha ha... got to love that chinese mans thinking

phatassphairy

23-04-2008, 01:40 AM

BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE

>

> Dear Mr. Thatcher

>

> I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I

> appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or

> Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa

> dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in

> tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary

> Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how

> crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and

> secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

>

> Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from

> 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my 'time of the month' is

> starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces

> violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body

> will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an

> inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

>

> As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen

> quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'

> monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,

> puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,

> crying and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realise it's a tough time

> for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the

> violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman

> Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by

> drunken chimps.

>

> Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is

> just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to

> the reason for my letter.

>

> Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach

> inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and

> there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy

> Period.'

>

> Are you *+*#*ing kidding me?

>

> What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really

> think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during

> a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit

> pleasurable?

>

> Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl,

> there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack

> yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so

> you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a

> sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God,

> pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a

> maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually

> pertinent, like 'Put Down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter Is

> Wrong'?- Or are you just picking on us?

>

> Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,

> there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my

> maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your

> Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending

> bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

>

> Best,

>

> Wendi Aarons
PHAIRY CLAPS FOR HER

Lali

23-04-2008, 05:01 AM

Very good :D

digi_gal

01-05-2008, 01:20 PM

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other inhabitants, no supplies, no nothing. Only swaying palms, thick jungle, and lots of bananas & coconuts .

After about four months of lying around on the beach waiting for rescue, in the distance from over the reef the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen is in some sort of small boat and is rowing up to him. In utter disbelief, he shouts to her, "Where in hell did you come from ?? How did you find this place... ????"

"Oh that....I rowed from the other side of this silly island !!" she says. " I was stranded here when my cruise ship sank a few months back .."

"That is amazing !!" he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you !!"

"Oh, this little thing...?" replies the woman. "I made this rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were crafted from
gum tree branches, I wove the bottom of the boat from palm branches, and the sides, stern & frame came from a nearby Eucalyptus tree !!"

"But..but...but, that's impossible !!" stutters Ed. "You had no power tools or hardware.... How did you manage to do all this....?"

"Oh, that was no problem a'tall !!" replies the stunning woman. "I found on the south side of this island a very unusual strata of alluvial
rock that was lying exposed. I discovered if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into a ductile iron metal that I could easily forge and form into custom handtools and I used those tools to make the hardware."

Ed is utterly stunned.

Suddenly she says...."Hey, let's row over to my place, I'll show ya what I got !!"

After an hour of rowing, she finally docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a well laid stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow, painted in blue and white. He watches the woman tie up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare, dumbstruck. As they walked up to the house, she says casually, " You know, this place is not much , but I call it home. They enter and she tells him, "Sit down please !!....Would you like to have a drink or.... something...???"

"Oh No, No thank you !!" he blurts still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice...!!"

"Oh No...this is not coconut juice !!" the woman chuckles and replies. "I have a still I made out back. How about a refreshing Pina Colada with a nice splash of rum ?"

Trying to hide his overwhelming amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her spacious & comfortable couch to chat.....

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "You stay right here, I'm going to slip into something... more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave ??? There is a razor in the cabinet in the bathroom !!"

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a beautifully crafted razor made from a bone handle. with two seashells honed to a hollow-g round edge and fastened onto the handle with a swiveling mechanism.

"Good Grief !!! This woman is totally amazing," he muses. "What on earth next could happen...?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a few vines and tropical flowers, all strategically positioned and smelling faintly of fresh gardenias. She beckons seductively for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me, Ed..." she begins suggestively, slithering up closer to him, "We've both been out here for a really lo-o-ong time. I suppose you've been very lonely. There's got to be something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these long lonely months.... haven't you...??" she pouts..

She stares languidly & longingly into his eyes... Ed can't believe what he's hearing and blurts: "You mean..you mean ----", he swallows hard, "I can check my e-mail from here ???"

digi_gal

01-05-2008, 10:44 PM

The three bears

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.'

It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.'

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once...'

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'

admin

06-05-2008, 09:45 AM

How the fight started :

I rear-ended a car this morning on the way to work

I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it.... He was
a dwarf.

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said "I'm NOT F*#%ing
Happy!"

So I said "Well, which f*#%ing one are you then?"

And that's how the fight started......

admin

18-05-2008, 09:12 AM

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place,

and as he shows her around his

apartment.

She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the

bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along

the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the

length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion

builds,

and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:

'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf.'

admin

18-05-2008, 09:14 AM

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

admin

18-05-2008, 09:17 AM

A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...

Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The customer replies, 'YES!'

The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... Shoots him in the head and kills him!

He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, 'DID ...YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????'

The man calmly responds, 'No ... But My Wife Did!'

admin

22-05-2008, 11:21 AM

this was so funny i had tears rolling....

This is good

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long- term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the but ton.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All
the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What
happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD . . .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .. WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

phatassphairy

05-06-2008, 12:35 PM

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of
the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the
Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on
the street corner.The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he
fell asleep,and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."

admin

05-06-2008, 12:36 PM

i laughed when you sent me that joke.... was a goodie

phatassphairy

30-06-2008, 08:18 PM

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a
mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze
their men. That night all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto
heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend
came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a
mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.'
Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at
his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my
eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my
mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing
the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner,
Batman?'

admin

30-06-2008, 10:44 PM

ha ha ha thats funny

Lali

01-07-2008, 06:41 AM

Too funny :D

angie

04-07-2008, 07:27 AM

Hope this one hasn't been posted

God met up with Adam and Eve at the end of creating the world and said " I have to gifts left over so I thought that you can each have 1"

Adam; What's the first gift God

God: The ability to urinate standing up

Adam; Please God, can I have that gift, please, please, it would be so great to be able to do that

God looked at Eve and she rolled her eyes and said "If he wants it let me have it"

Poof, Adam runs over to tree and urinates and then draws his name in the sand as happy as can be.

Eve looks at God and says "What was the other gift God"

God replies Mutiple orgasims

Ange

admin

12-07-2008, 06:06 AM

A joke i got sent from Sammi....:D

Subject: Death of Bubba
>
> Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly . The morgue
> Needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
> Friends, Cooter and Gomer.
> The three men had always done everything together.
> Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
> Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll
> Him over.'
>
> The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
>
> The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in,
> to confirm the identity of the body.
>
> Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
> Roll him over.'
>
> The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
>
> The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
>
> Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
>
> 'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
>
> 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba
> With them two assholes.

Lyndall

12-07-2008, 06:36 AM

Needed a good laugh. Oldies but Goodies

Lali

21-07-2008, 12:20 PM

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'
asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour
and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked
about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple. .

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time
you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!...

They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen

admin

21-07-2008, 12:33 PM

hahaha very good lali Im a Cathlic E :o:p:D lol

phatassphairy

24-07-2008, 06:51 AM

a week or so ago i was at a bbq with a friend....it was full of what i call toffee flavoured women...IYKWIM...the chat started around their finger nails .:rolleyes::rolleyes:....then it went to other areas.....and i had a bitch and whinge to my hubby about it ,,,,,,,this is am email he just sent me ...saying that it could of been one of them ...lol

THIS IS HYSTERICAL!
(I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Lali

24-07-2008, 11:34 AM

Oh I was pissing myself just then to the point Tony had to get up to see what I was laughing at :D

admin

24-07-2008, 11:49 AM

ive seen this a dozen times and laugh each and every time. The 1st few times I was crying with laughter... yep pretty much can say we have been there done that, each and every one us us!!

admin

07-08-2008, 10:30 AM

Nicole sent this to me today and I had to share for a laugh.....

Subject:Cuckoo Clock

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem p*ssed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh!#$.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'

Lali

07-08-2008, 11:09 AM

LOL but that is something a man would do lol

admin

17-08-2008, 08:05 AM

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redheadsittingat the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies..

WAIT for it. .
It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

NIMO

17-08-2008, 08:11 AM

Oh GROAN!! :D

jules

17-08-2008, 09:59 AM

Haha Rotflmho:d

Denise

17-08-2008, 10:22 AM

OMG.......

Where did you find that.:eek:

phatassphairy

18-08-2008, 10:21 AM

lorrie ......they are so funny .....i am pmsl ....man did i need a good giggle today thanks sista

nmpomeroy

02-09-2008, 12:18 AM

A woman walks into the Gympie Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through
the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to
get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell
'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and
not the whole bunch

'I call them by their surnames!'

admin

02-09-2008, 03:28 AM

well done... boys at work thought it was funny

admin

03-09-2008, 12:25 PM

admin

06-09-2008, 01:17 AM

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'

And then the fight started......

********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many
years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started.....

********

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started... .

********

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

NIMO

06-09-2008, 02:06 AM

Good ones! I've passed these on :D

phatassphairy

07-09-2008, 10:53 AM

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

pmsl .......wish i had of knew this trick when i was younger ...grant and waited 5 years before we got married ...and this was like the first thing that people would say .....

NIMO

08-09-2008, 03:47 AM

RUB MY N I P P L E S

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time -

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

'RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that
he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,

'RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'
and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES RUBBED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

admin

08-09-2008, 12:18 PM

LOL .... nice

phatassphairy

10-09-2008, 02:05 AM

quick thinking replys ....i got a bit of a giggle so thought i would share ...lol

SMART ARSE ANSWER 6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in
the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMART ARSE ANSWER 4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

SMART ARSE ANSWER 3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied,
'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that
read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The
policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to
the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'

SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious
personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but
that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and
sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand'.

admin

10-09-2008, 02:35 AM

not bad Sammi, I good with smart arse replies!!

NIMO

12-09-2008, 01:16 AM

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! '

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl.

'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' ...

And before he could say 'F***', the rottweiler

Ate him!'

digi_gal

21-09-2008, 09:40 PM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and
have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,

'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

phatassphairy

22-09-2008, 09:47 AM

Buying A Fishing Rod

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for
her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs
one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about
this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if
you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from
the sound it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter
anyway.

He says, 'That's a two metre Shakespeare
graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.
test line. It's a good all around combination, and
it's on sale this Week for $44.'
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that
just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!'
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the
floor.'Oh, That sounds like a Visa card, says the
salesman.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she
accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there
is no way the blind salesman
could tell it was she who had farted.
The salesman rings up the sale and says, 'That'll
be $58.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
'Didn't You tell me it was on sale for $44? How
did you get to $58.50?'
'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'

admin

22-09-2008, 09:56 AM

hahaha ... nice one :D ( i can visualise my nan)

phatassphairy

22-09-2008, 10:26 AM

i could visualise me ...lol

phatassphairy

13-10-2008, 01:23 PM

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: 'Get me a F***ING
cup of coffee, quickly!'
The voice from the other side responded:’ You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do
you know who you're talking to?'
'No,' replied the trainee.
'It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!'
The trainee shouted back: 'And do you know who YOU
Are F***ING talking to, you F***ING idiot?'
'No!' replied the Managing Director indignantly
'Thank F**K for that!' replied the trainee and slammed down the phone

:D:D:D

phatassphairy

12-01-2009, 10:50 PM

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

admin

12-01-2009, 11:01 PM

lol

admin

04-02-2009, 06:38 AM

Nina sent me this today and I just have to share...

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

NIMO

04-02-2009, 07:17 AM

Just in time for Valentine's Day! :D

admin

01-06-2009, 07:40 AM

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on theairplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if youstrike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closedit slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would youlike to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How aboutnuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet adeer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out aflat patty, and a horse produces clumps of driedgrass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl'sintelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I haveno idea...'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feelqualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't knowshit?

phatassphairy

13-06-2009, 10:43 PM

i havejust pissed myself laughing .....this so reminds me of some of the grannys out in charters towers on sunday ...

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

admin

13-06-2009, 11:27 PM

i had a HEHEHE and can picture this on our road... so true

j@zzii

14-06-2009, 02:54 PM

pmsl :D

Lali

25-03-2010, 06:26 AM

L O V E T H I S HAD TO SHARE IT! ! !

Recently, in a large city,
a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, "This summer,
do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,
whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,
responded publicly to the question
posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)
They have an active sex life,
get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.
They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas,
seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,
the Bering Sea
and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers
and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators
other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired
by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist,
they would be lining up outside the offices
of Argentinean psychoanalysts
due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either.
Not to mention,
who wants to get close to a girl who smells
like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.

P..S. We are in an age
when media puts into our heads
the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight
because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads
that when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy,
we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

nick

25-03-2010, 11:13 AM

:):):):)...love it....I am soooo smart according to this!!!!! LOL

phatassphairy

25-03-2010, 09:40 PM

blahhhhh that is awesome wit ....man i hold a masters i am soooo smart ke ke ke

phatassphairy

13-05-2010, 07:39 PM

Cough Syrup

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxative."The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough"

admin

13-05-2010, 09:01 PM

(((giggles)))

Lali

14-05-2010, 06:42 AM

Good one :D

nick

14-05-2010, 09:33 AM

I've read this out to a few people and we've all had a giggle at it.......very funny!!!! :) :) :)

Lali

28-05-2010, 09:46 PM

Men's Pearls of Wisdom

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

admin

29-05-2010, 01:46 AM

lol... too funny. I love no: 13

bambaloo-girl

29-05-2010, 02:19 AM

LOL these really did make me LOL

i remember this one, from many years ago ;) bit naughty

whats the difference between a slut and a bitch?

a slut shags everyone, and a bitch shags everyone except YOU

k x

phatassphairy

29-05-2010, 10:06 AM

i love this one lali .....grant and i were skyping tonight ...and 3 TIMES he did not recall things that we had spoke about ....like ...toto ....who is toto ...the bloody classroom bird that gemilla has been talking about for weeks !!!

i when to hoggies to day for lunch ....and made ref to club 52 .....this is a meal voucher discount thingy for locals ..that has hoggie's in it ....and we have spoken about get the club 52 ...cause it is 52 playing cards with a different restaurant on it .... grant asked me if hoggies has moved into a night club?

so you get the drift ...... i can't tell you the 3rd thing is ..kekeke NFK ears

so during our skyping ...i slipped this in

[8:09:36 PM] phatassphairy: hey i bet this was what you said today?
[8:10:53 PM] phatassphairy: When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
[8:11:04 PM] phatassphairy: heheheh ...this explains it !!!!

thanks for that Lali ....lol

pmsl krist

admin

01-11-2010, 12:06 PM

A friend sent me this (thanks Kel) and i just had to share it... I had a good old belly laugh.

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she

kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we

split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take

care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more

important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily

snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for

a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and

when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish

cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and

slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and

proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I

pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the

weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly

undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a

different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

________________________________

admin

01-11-2010, 12:07 PM

and a couple more...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

digi_gal

02-11-2010, 02:14 AM

Yep Lorrie I have seen those ones several times before but they always make you laugh....

digi_gal

02-11-2010, 02:14 AM

so during our skyping ...i slipped this in

[8:09:36 PM] phatassphairy: hey i bet this was what you said today?
[8:10:53 PM] phatassphairy: When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
[8:11:04 PM] phatassphairy: heheheh ...this explains it !!!!

thanks for that Lali ....lol

pmsl krist

LOL..... Too funny Sammi.

digi_gal

08-11-2010, 12:48 PM

Similarities of BRA & BAR, Both have same letters, Both are drinking zones, Both have restricted time of opening & closing and when either are opened men go crazy.

digi_gal

09-11-2010, 01:24 AM

NEVER HAD IT EXPLAINED THIS WAY BEFORE...

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.

THE END.

phatassphairy

30-11-2010, 11:43 PM

pmsl sharon .....too tru hey

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.